Cannabis Clone Club
by Vi West
Summary: Alison and Cosima get baked. (platonic, confessional, rated M for drug use)
1. Chapter 1

"Would've never taken you for a smoker, I have to admit," Cosima said as she licked the rolling paper, the green tucked neatly inside.

"Oh, well," Alison smirked, scratching the hair behind her ear. "I'm not a smoker. But I'll — I'll smoke."

In an attempt to hide her smile, Cosima placed the joint between her lips and lit the end. Alison watched as this free-loving version of herself inhaled deeply, slowly, letting the smoke fill her up and then find its way out again. Alison could feel the burning sensation travel down her throat as she impatiently waited her turn. Cosima took another drag for good measure and then handed it over.

"I've just never had access."

"To pot?"

"Yes, Cosima," Alison said, inhaling and enjoying the taste. "Believe it or not, I do not keep marijuana in my house with two children and invasive neighbors always rushing in and out."

It was true. Cosima had no idea what it was like to be a mother. But, she had to admit, she was pretty sure her parents had their own stuff stashed somewhere while she was growing up.

"This bizarre little sisterhood of ours has to come with some perks, right?" Alison asked. "Drinking buddies. Smoking buddies. Something to take our minds off of the fact that we're barely human. Something to remind us it hasn't all gone to shit."

"It's hasn't," Cosima said, tilting her head with a half smile. "It's not all like that."

"Says the woman who could study herself for a living. I have a reputation to protect," Alison said, taking another hit and handing it back. "You're a scientist. This is a dream come true for you, I'm sure."

"Okay, calm down. It does come with strings. Like it does for all of us."

"Delphine, right?" Alison asked, an eyebrow raised. "She's a string."

"She's a…I've got it under control."

"A string you can pluck," is what Alison wanted to say. Instead, she asked, "And we're sure she's not in bed with Leekie? I mean, how could you be so sure?"

"Because I know who she's in bed with."

"Very funny." Alison felt a rush in her chest at the thought. "Still," she veered off of the subject. "A student of Evolutionary Development finds out she's…"

"A clone?"

Alison squinted upon hearing the "C" word. She grabbed the joint back from Cosima.

"What's with you and the word, 'clone'?"

"Because it's a stupid word. It's just a label. A stupid label."

"Well, it's one you should identify with so get used to it."

"I can think of many things that I am before I would describe myself as a clone."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. Like…mom." Alison took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "Wife, Christian, daughter, neighbor…"

"Neighbor," Cosima said, her jaw hanging loose on the last syllable.

"Yes," Alison said, eyes closed. "Neighbor."

"You'd describe yourself as a neighbor before you called yourself a clone."

"Well, I enjoy being a neighbor. I am a good, kind, giving neighbor. I'm a _bad_ clone," she said sharply, as if chastising herself.

"What's a bad clone?" Cosima laughed.

An image of Beth flashed across Alison's mind like a train blasting past a platform. She blinked it away, taking another hit.

"We should call it Cannabis Club instead," Alison said, amused with herself.

"Cannabis Clone Club," Cosima said, inhaling.

"You can call it that."

"Except Sarah doesn't smoke."

"And if Helena did, I'm not sure I'd want to join her," Alison joked, her eyes widening at her own humor, her throat choking with laughter.

"And Beth, well — "

The name was all it took to shut Alison down, like a light that shone so brightly it burst its bulb. Cosima furrowed her eyebrows and looked away, uncomfortable with the pain she may have caused, unsure of why Alison reacted like that at all.

"She didn't," Alison said. "Smoke."

Cosima turned her gaze on Alison. They'd been passing back and forth, back and forth, and now maybe Cosima realized they were feeling the effects a little too strongly. She put the joint down on an an ashtray and reached for the wine next to her.

"You two were close, weren't you? I mean closer than us and the others. Living near each other and everything."

"She taught me some things."

Alison took the opportunity to pick up the joint, unwilling to stop.

"Like how to shoot," she continued.

"Right."

"And mix pills." Alison scoffed, her eyes glazing over, her thoughts turning inwards. "Yeah, she taught me that, too."

"What else?" Cosima asked, her interest piqued.

Alison paused, scratching her head. "Not to leave the people who care about you behind."

Cosima swallowed dryly, moistening her lips again with the wine.

"Hey, you know," she said, "if you ever want to, like, talk about any of that. I'm cool."

"Hm," Alison squeaked. "If only there was something to talk about. But there's nothing, really. She took her own life and left us here to pick up the pieces."

"I'm sure you guys had a nice bond, you know? A good friendship going."

Alison tried several times to say, "yes," but only found herself able to nod a serious of short nods.

Maybe it was the weed. Maybe it was past experience. Maybe it was her own troubles with Delphine. But Cosima, somehow, knew there was more to the story. Maybe another time, though. Maybe this bonding session was already pushing it. Maybe for tonight, it was already too late.

"One hit left," Alison said.

"Go ahead," Cosima offered.

"Oh, no, it's yours."

"Yeah, but you never - what was it you said - have access?"

Without any further protestation, Alison carefully positioned the stub between her lips and sucked the life out of it, the ashes dirtying her fingers, the smoke dampening her lungs, the weed dizzying her brain.

"We should do this again," she said.

"Sure," Cosima replied, watching the light flicker out from the end of the joint. "Any time."


	2. Chapter 2

They were rolling much more quickly this time, the smoke weaving thick curls around them, teasing their hair and stinging their eyes. They'd decided to hotbox in the bathroom to speed up the process. Cosima was sprawled across the bottom of the empty tub, her feet up against the wall, as Alison sat cross-legged on the tile floor.

The lighter kept flicking and the confessions kept coming. Mirror images of each other, each was the priest and also the sinner.

Cosima marveled at her handiwork on the evening's second joint. And Alison, beside herself in this newfound realm of drug-induced clarity, could not stop talking about Beth.

"They're beautiful aren't they?" Alison asked. "Women."

Cosima coughed on her exhale.

"When she wrapped her arms around me as I pointed to shoot," Alison continued. "It was… Donnie had never held me like that before. I'd never been held by anybody like that before."

"Yeah?" Cosima blushed at the thought. Of Beth embracing Alison. Of Alison enjoying it. Of her own experiences being enveloped by another's soft, warm arms. Her eyelids at half mast, she bent her neck into her chest and giggled.

"We were holding a gun. Fire in our hands. And. I'd never felt so light."

"Light!" Cosima said, puffing on an unresponsive joint. Alison leaned forward and lit the end for her.

"You know what I mean, though. I'm not crazy, right?"

"Well, you are crazy. But - "

Alison slapped her playfully and took the joint for herself.

"You are crazy!" Cosima said, laughing. "But not about that. Just about other things."

"Have you ever felt crazy?"

"More often than not. Evo Devo is not for the faint of mind or heart."

"No," Alison said, rolling her eyes. "I mean, about a woman."

Cosima took a deep breath and let it out slowly, releasing the debris of confused sexual experiences, painful infatuations, unrequited loves.

Alison tried again.

"When was the first time you fell for a girl?"

"No, no, no, no."

"What? What do you mean, 'no'?"

"You're gonna need more than a few little spliffs to yank these stories out of me."

"Jesus and Mary, Cosima! I just told you about Beth."

"You told me you went to the shooting range and you liked the way she hugged you."

Alison didn't make any effort to hide how much that hurt her.

"I've never told anyone that before. And Beth's gone now." Alison's voice wavered for a syllable, quickly stabilizing itself. "So, can you show some compassion, please?"

"Sorry, Ali."

"And don't call me Ali. Don't. Don't do that."

"Sorry." Cosima opened her eyes all the way for a moment, fighting the drowsy high. "Alison. I'm sorry."

"You're the only one who knows about us now, I hope you realize."

"I do," Cosima said. "Yeah, I do now." Cosima marveled at the soccer mom, so utterly adhesive to the stereotype and yet so surprisingly her own woman. "I'm sorry you lost her."

Alison took a puff and passed to Cosima. "Should we get some snacks?"

"Oh, sure, yeah. There's um, there's some cookies in the cabinet next to the fridge. Like, oatmeal raisin I think."

Alison meeped out a noise of affirmation and slipped into the kitchen on her hunt for something edible. While shifting her position on the porcelain surface, Cosima could her Alison tinkering about, cabinets clapping, packages rustling. Cups falling?

"Oopsie!" came faintly from outside the door.

"Next to the fridge, I said!"

"Got it!"

By the time Alison returned, a cookie hanging out of her mouth, Cosima had performed a mini monologue in her head, rolling over some thoughts she hadn't considered vocalizing in the near future, let alone to Alison. But seeing Alison sitting there on her bathroom floor, nursing the crinkly sleeve of cookies, she just looked so adorably receptive, worn from telling her sad story, eager to hear someone else's.

So, Cosima took a drag and let the smoke pass through her lips, clearing the way for fragile words.

"I fell for a girl who seemed so much like me that I was sure it was narcissistic to love her. But then as I got to know her, I realized she was more like some part of me I'd never seen before or just - never knew was there. And I lost my mind. I mean totally lost my mind. And so I chased her and chased her, trying to find myself. Trying to find her. Trying to find myself in her, with her. She teased me by kissing me once, but I knew she never really loved me back. And still, I never let go. It was part fact-based and part delusion, emphasis on the latter." Cosima smirked. "Imagine a burgeoning scientist, torturing herself by trying to live in a fantasy world."

Alison looked at Cosima, eyelids heavy, lips loose, not speaking, as Cosima continued to do something she so rarely did. Talk slowly. Deep breaths. Soft words.

"I compared everyone after that to her. Inside, I couldn't fight the urge that someday, maybe she'd be able to love me. So I tried to fashion all the other girls in my life into different versions of her." Cosima let the smoke rest in her chest before she continued. "And the only one who stood out on her own," she said, "came out of nowhere. The only person I saw on her own, as her own - " Cosima used strong hand gestures to trace a visual of her body. " - person, without that dark shadow to cloud her, was Delphine. Honestly, Alison. I fell into the rabbit hole for craziness over her. And I still feel like I haven't hit bottom yet."

Cosima smiled a pathetic smile to herself, taking one long hit. She twisted her body to hand the joint over to Alison.

But Alison only responded with a snore. The weight of the evening's puff puff pass and show and tell had exhausted her. Crazy as Alison may have looked, her Luluemons bunching up on the cold floor, crumbs resting in the corner of her mouth, Cosima saw not a housewife, not even a clone, but a friend. One who may have been too tired to remain fully conscious, but had somehow convinced Cosima to talk - about something other than science for a change. About her favorite thing in the universe that couldn't be charted and annotated and footnoted. About love, women.

And though she was listening through an oncoming wave of sleep, Alison, the least likely confidante in Cosima's world, had understood. The stupid pleasure, the unforgiving pain, and what it was like to chase some elusive version of yourself that would forever be known as the one who got away.


End file.
